Road to Iran; An Irate Reader's Review of "Zombies of Mass Destruction"

Zombies of Mass Destruction (or ZMD as its creators like to call it) is a mishmash of good ideas poorly executed, and mind-numbingly stupid ideas executed with all the aplomb of a bored four year old. This was written by Kevin Grevioux (blarg!) and drawn by Geraldo Borges & Dave Youkovich (who tried to save this series from itself).

The first issue starts with the only great idea the creators seem to have come up with. An American freighter flies overhead and drops metallic tubes over an Iranian nuclear bomb testing facility; zombies burst forth from the tubes and in a matter of hours overrun the entire complex. Fourteen hours after the tubes first struck the Iranian earth the zombie virus inside of them burns away, killing all chance of the infection spreading and causing a World War Z like global apocalypse. One zombie, however, does not burn and wonders off into the desert.

Now, five pages in, all the crap gets thrown at the poor reader. We are introduced to a shell-shocked almost parody of Captain America. This guy lacks the suit and shield, but in personality (when he has one) and looks he matches up perfectly with Steve Rogers. Apparently Not-Cap married a girl during the first Gulf War and then ditched her when she didn't move to America--or something: the creators are never quite clear what when on between them. For all the difference it makes we can assume that her Mother in Law tried to kill Not-Cap.

We are also introduced to a group of shadowy Republicans who are not sorry that zombies were unleashed on the Iranian site. Because of this, they are shown as the face of uncaring evil--all that is wrong with the American government.

But what did the Shadow Republicans do that was really wrong? Did they use a technology that was maybe best left unused? Yes. But by wiping that Iranian testing facility off the face of the Earth, lives were saved. Iran was then unable to produce the bombs necessary to blast Israel (something the current Iranian leader is itching to do); The Iranians are unable to bomb any other Arab country that fails to fall under their hand. Thus, by unleashing a small scale zombie outbreak on the nuclear facility countless lives were saved from an atomic holocaust.

Not-Cap complains about the Shadow Republicans then agrees to go and kill the escaped zombie. The escaped zombie's been doing what zombies do and eating people, converting them into his own undead army.

Not-Cap spends four pages introducing his team to the reader; but since the reader is given no reason to care about these morons they don't stick in the readers head and bleed together. Some of them right quick, making their introduction all the more pointless. Not-Cap gets bit, but since they have zombie-antidote it doesn't matter.

Not-Cap's commando team gets shot down by zombies with RPGs. The team is attacked by mutant scorpions, then saved by a team of Christian Iranian commandos (???).

From this point, the commandos are kidnapped by zombies and taken to Zombie Village where the Zombie King and Zombie Queen rule over the Temple of Dagon (this last bit was advertised in the blurb, but there is no appearance of any Lovecraftian reference). The Zombie King turns out to be Not-Cap's old Commanding Officer and wants to eat every human in the world. The Zombie Queen is, for even less of a logical reason, the ex-wife that Not-Cap abandoned in the Iranian deserts. She mocks him, and the commandos are thrown into a holding cell.

In the cell, two commandos try to set up a nuclear bomb and wipe out Zombie Village, but all the other commandos beat them up so they don't die. Thus, we can further determine that Not-Cap is a coward. Since this comic series makes no sense, Not-Cap's idiotic actions are presented as heroism.

Through a series of events that make no sense--including the leader of the Christian Iranian Commandos past as an expert on Iranian Temple Design (???)--the commandos escape. Not-Cap rescues his (for some reason still living) daughter and runs into the desert. The Shadow Republicans pull one final bit of "villainy" and carpet bomb Zombie Village to dust. I have no idea why the series wants me to feel sorry for the zombie army that wants to EAT US ALL.

I'm guessing that in this series, the zombies are supposed to be a philosophical stand-in for violent Islam. This is troubling because the message passed on to the reader is: They want to kill you; letting them kill you is the morally right thing to do. What a load of madness. The only characters in this series who acted logically again the undead were the Shadow Republicans with their policy of shutting down any threat with the most logically fitting action.

I normally love the comic books put out by Red 5 Comics (like the fantastic Atomic Robo) but this miniseries is the trash that makes me wary of independent comic publishers.

Final Grade: D-

Review: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo--Stieg Larsson

I've given into the best-selling craze and read the first of Larrsson's mystery thrillers (Of course this had nothing to do with the fact that Amazon offered the book for a total of five dollars); Well I can't truly say if I loved it or loathed it.

The main set-up for the novel is the best materials for a locked room mystery I've seen; in Sweden there is an island owned by the billionaire Vanger family. The teenaged daughter disappeared during a time where nearly everyone on the island was attempting to clear the only possible exit from the island. Clearly, she had to have been murdered. The body was never found.

Larsson carefully builds two protagonists that meet my two critia for fictional characters, they feel real and I cared about what happened to them. But, they were both disgusting human beings.

This all said, the book has problems; the mystery isn't truly resolved. Near the end of the book, Larsson just pulls a solution out of the ether that just doesn't gel correctly with what we know. This is a pity, since all the building clues pointed in a beautifully devious solution to the case.

The other problem with the novel is the heavy sexual violence. It can be handled well (like in Eckert's The Evil in Pemberley House) or badly, like this. While reading what all happened to Lisbeth Salander, and on a different level the events missing Vanger girl was a part of, it never feels like Larsson cares about the characters and is having a good ol' time putting the poor girls though several rapes (making it worse is that Salander is slightly retarded). Perhaps I'm not stating clearly what exactly disturbs me about this; it's not just that he's having fun, it feels like Larsson is getting a sexual high of the misfortunes of his female characters. And that's just wrong.

Still, for pure page turning ability, I do give the novel points. I was hooked reading from the first page to the end.

Final Rating: B+

Wold Newton: Nothing that can be stated without research; but it seems this novel brings to light a slight interaction between THRUSH and the immortal Nine.


James Bojaciuk

Review: The Quest for Bowie's Blade--J.T. Edson (The Old West Maltese Falcon)

This was the first J.T. Edson book I've had the pleasure to read. It had a nice, well flowing plot that I could easily see filmed as an hour long 1960s TV western.

The main thrust of the novel is the maneuverings of different (usually villainous) parties to recover Jim Bowie's knife. The knife supposedly holds the map to a crashed meteor.

One thing I enjoyed was the influence Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon played on the plot. Charles X. Guilemont blunders around like a French Casper Gutman; his sidekick, a female crook, plays in Cario role (I can't help but think that making the assistant a woman was a reference to the sexuality of Cario). In addition, the Ysabel Kid's parner is shot in the opening pages of the novel! All of these similarities could be chance(there could be more since it's been a long time since I've read Falcon), except that in the final pages of the novel, Guilemont announces that he is going to "locat[e]...a statuette of a falcon, sir...it is made of solid gold and encrusted with the finest jewels to be looted from the crusades. It's value, sir, in the right circles, is immense." For any too dense to pick up on the connection, there is a helpful footnote pointing the reader to The Maltese Falcon for more information.

Despite this somewhat glowing review I have to point out an oddity that docks the book quite a few points. In the second to last chapter, the Ysabel Kid and Guilemont head off to see if they can locate the Bowie Knife again. So, while waiting the two girls go down to the beach and have a ultra-violent bloody brawl. Since there are several mentions of ripped clothes and bared bosoms I guess this is supposed to be sexy--rather it just leaves the read confused as to What The Heck that was all about.


Wold Newton: Nothing much, there's a reference to the Maltese Falcon, as noted, and Guilemont works for James Moriarty--aside from these, the novel is a complete stand alone.

Final rating: B-
(B+ without the cat fight.)

The Mad Goblin--Review

Title: The Mad Goblin
Author: Philip Jose Farmer
Publisher: Ace Books
Copyright: 1970
This Doc Savage pastiche has a lot going for it. Its very well written. The characters are remarkably well drawn and jump off the page. (Although this is as much as Dent's responsibility as Farmer's) Enough action to make any red blooded teenage boy happy, and lastly a pretty good plot.
But it fumbles in the last thirty pages after Doc Caliban and his men get to England. Too bad it never really recovers.
A lot has been said about how to fit this into Wold Newton continually. While it is tempting to say "Chuck It" it has too much attachment to the rest for that. So, what to do?
I personally like the theory that Grandrith and Caliban are copys of Tarzan and Doc Savage raised by The Nine to A. Assist them in maintaining control of the world. and B. To kill the real Tarzan and Doc Savage (which failed)
How does this book stack up:
Prose:A-
Plot:B
Characterization:A+
Final Grade: B
Thats my one in the morning review of Philip Jose Farmer's The Mad Goblin